Using NLP tools naturally as a parent, specifically perception and reality.

Using NLP tools naturally as a parent, specifically perception and reality.

Using NLP Tools Naturally As A Parent, Specifically Perception and Reality

My 14 year son came across a story I had written for him some years earlier and we reminisced the circumstances around what had prompted me to write “The Clown”.  This is a story about how I found myself using NLP tools naturally as a parent, specifically perception and reality. 

My son had been at a child minding group and one day an in-experienced child minding assistant naively told a group of children a story which was about a clown who abducted a child from his bedroom during the night and had never been seen since. Unbelievably, she also told the children that a letter was being sent out to parents to tell them of the abduction and to warn them to be suspicious of anyone dressed as a clown.

My son was terrified and he believed the story whole heartedly and despite my many efforts, I could not reassure him that it was just a story. He would not sleep alone and would tremble at the mention of the word “clown”.  With his new belief that

Clowns = Danger

solidly anchored, the restrictions he placed upon himself were many; he refused to go anywhere where a clown may feature or a face was painted.

A Belief is something that we “perceive” to be; true, real, certain and it is based on the evidence that has been presented. As Coaches, we all know that mind does not know the difference between perception and reality and will therefore respond (release the brain chemicals needed) in line with a “fight, flight or freeze” response in order to keep us safe.

My son believed the story of the clown abduction to be trueTheevidence waspresented which was the story that had been told by an adult that he trusted and his brain response was to keep him away from anything that may present itself as a threat – including sleeping alone.  I hoped that in a short time his fear would fade away and that he would simply forget the unfortunate clown story, yet time passed and his belief appeared unshakeable.  I was at a loss to know how to help him.

Eventually I came up with an idea to “re-write” the story, which I hoped would replace the memory of the original one.  Thankfully, my hunch was right, he returned to his own room and the fear of clowns dispersed.

The story I wrote was about a young girl called Helen.  Whilst babysitting, she fell asleep, entering into a dream whereby the child she was looking after was taken by a clown. I emphasised how real the experience was for her at the time and I added into the story her love of clowns, how they had made her laugh and described her much adored collection of toy clowns at home.  The story came to an end with the parents coming home and waking her up; they had left the house to go to a fancy dress party dressed as clowns which Helen had helped to create.  Helen was able to reflect on her dream; how real it had appeared and how pleased she was that she could still love her friendly toys at home now that she knew that it was all just a dream.

Back then, I was unaware of Coaching and NLP yet reflecting on the story I had helped my son to reframe the content of his story and diminish his fears, I realised that I had unconsciously used some of the fantastic NLP techniques we use in Coaching;

Suspending Self Limiting Beliefs – By believing that “Clowns = Danger”, he avoided situations and limited his choices (missed out on parties and fetes), by suspending the belief (removing the evidence that previously supported it), he was able to return to his more resourceful belief that

Clowns (grown-ups in costume)= Fun and laughter.

Utilising the Representational System – We use these to help enhance good experiences and limit the effect of bad experiences which includes tapping in to the representational system; Visual, Auditory, Kinaesthetic.  In my story I described in detail what Helen could see, hear and feel during her dream state which validated an understanding of the fear she felt.  I then described what it was like after she realised her experience wasn’t real which anchored a more resourceful state.

Matching – from the process of rapport, the mirror, match, pace, lead process, I specifically ‘matched’ the fear of the original story in order to pace and lead my sons emotions to experience a really strong and resourceful positive outcome to the story.

I knew at the time that my story had helped my son, though I hadn’t recognised the skills that I had applied.  How many of us apply fantastic parenting tools and techniques without realising how powerful they are? 

There is a Coach in all of us, our resources are invaluable and become even more powerful when we notice and celebrate them.

Kathy  x